Thinking we know all there is to know about sex is a big mistake – a huge error of judgement and the biggest barrier to life’s fulfilment. As with anything in life, there is always more to learn, more to experiment with, and more to enjoy. Sex is no different and putting fixed expectations on what sex is can leave us feeling frustrated, disappointed, and sexually unfulfilled.
We need to remember, as with everything in life, ‘we don’t know what we don’t know’. Sex is no different. Why on earth would we restrict ourselves and not want to know more? Sex is a fundamental, and fun, part of life!
I had a blinkered view of sex some years ago – I knew I wanted more from sex but had no idea what ‘more’ looked like, or indeed felt like. I wanted to explore me and expand who I was. I wanted to improve my relationship with myself, and with others. I was definitely up for knowing what ‘more’ was but fear of the unknown and judgement prevented me.
I eventually decided to take action…
As I started to embark on this journey, the first thing I came to realise was that I needed to let go of my social conditioning about sex. I needed to shed my childhood beliefs and the myths I had actively collected about sex. The ones I had carried since my teens that were surrounded in fear and shame. I needed to let go of the belief that sex was just an external act for reproduction and was something to just create babies or to receive disease and heartache.
The next thing I found was that I needed to open and expand my mind. I had certainly never considered, as I do now, that sex could ever be an exciting, uplifting, fun, spiritual and even a transcendental experience. I would never have considered that by connecting to myself I could connect to a higher energy and my pure sexual essence. I would never have believed that I could feel life move through me and that sex could awaken and heal – sometimes at the same time. By having an open mind, I allowed new experiences in and created a change in my energy, and indeed my life.
With less fear and shame, and an open mind now flourishing, I started to consider what my actual fantasies and desires were. I was completely unaware that fantasies and desires were a normal part of the creative mind and human desires. I did not realise that everyone had fantasies and desires, in some shape or form, even if it was not admitted to.
Having explored this further I can confess I have since enjoyed some of my fantasies and desires. I now know that fantasies and desires are indeed part of who we are and simply an exciting twist on life, here to thrill the senses, mind, body and spirit.
The most important thing I have learnt in my exploration is to drop any shame, fear and guilt about sex. As long as it is safe, sane and consensual, no one else really cares what you get up to. If they do care, it is normally because they are jealous, curious, intrigued or interested far more than they are judgemental. I discovered that if I gave nourishment and light to my sex and sexuality it took the fears from darkness into a healing pathway, and I found other people who felt the same. By finding my sexual self-expression I became so empowered and confident in me, that I learnt to express those parts of me that defined my very existence.
Whilst I would be the first to remind you that we all have a responsibility in all areas of sex, to set boundaries, embrace consent and actively use communication; I also remind you that we have a responsibility to ourselves to embrace sex with an open mind, open heart, with compassion, surrender and enlightenment.
When I had dropped the social conditioning, I was able to open my mind and drop all fear and shame and explore the great wonders of sex within my boundaries, having consent and communication as my friend and guide. I researched and read articles and books, talked to other people and tried new things. I have teased and played with many ideas ranging from tantra to kink. I have found amazing websites, fantastic books and a wealth of information that is at all our fingertips and is available, ready and waiting for you too.
It is probably a lot to know in one lifetime all there is to know about sex, sexuality and fantasies. But what we can all do, is to be open to explore, to embrace who we are and to know that sex is part of the creative human mind and should not ever be placed in fear and shame.
Embrace sex with openness, love, compassion, fun and fulfilment – Go and find out what you don’t know!